VOTER GUIDE 2000

PHELPS PHAMILY
PHOR OPHICE

December 2000 Revision 651.459.7680

Dear Phriends and Phamily,

Due to the confusion caused by our country’s latest election, we know that many of you may be feeling that your vote, or your candidate or party, is not getting the attention deserved.

If you would like to consider re-voting, we ask that you 1. Call your congressman, 2. Read the attached Phelps Phamily Voter Guide 2000 for some additional outstanding candidates that you may want to consider writing in, and 3. Feel free to make up your own chad-free ballot and return it before December 31 for tabulation.

The official headquarters of this grass roots movement remains in Cottage Grove. We realize this is a surprise to many of you who will be astonished to find that the Phelps can remain in the same house for greater than two years at a time. Please note that our home/headquarters is open to all, regardless of your political affiliations.

Julie Jane Phelps
Candidate For – Press Secretary and Surgeon (Nurse) General

Age – Unavailable

Affiliations – School volunteer and Substitute School Nurse; Casual IR Nurse; Car-pool Mom; Beginning Piano Student (but darn good, knows 5 holiday songs)

Logistical Requirements – willing to take offices, but all major medical announcements or wide scale wars must be cleared with Julie’s personal calendar first and highlighted in blue.

Chr’stopher Andrew Phelps
Candidate For – House Bank Chairman

Age – Recently incremented and promoted to Great-Uncle this year

Qualifications – knows disposition of every penny with disturbing accuracy.

Hannah Phelps
Candidate For – Speaker of the House

Age – 7 1/2

Home Address – top of the stairs, sharp right, end of hall, purple room with purple Christmas tree

Education – Miss Toner’s class, 2nd grade, Grey Cloud Elementary

Affiliations – Spanish class; Summer soccer, purple Vikings team; Spelling challenger; First communion class.

Previous Leadership Experience – Bob Dole campaign ’96 (volunteer); Manages and directs multiple neighborhood infants so they don’t wander toward the street (paid position.)

Future Aspirations – Wants to start a kingdom. Kingdom will have a 1% tax with a $10 per citizen annual cap. She will be King.

Elizabeth Phelps
Candidate For – Director of the NEA (National Endowment for the Arts)

Age – 6

Home Address – top of the stairs, slight right, Pooh décor

Education – Mrs. Smith’s morning kindergarten, Grey Cloud Elementary

Affiliations – Piano lessons; Summer soccer, Yellow Jackets team; Faith Formation class; Backstreet Boys fan club.

Qualifications – Advanced use of markers, crayons, scissors, glue, glitter, colored paper, tape, and colored pencils. Can state the names of the top 3 songs recorded by Britney Spears, N-Sync, and Backstreet. Fluent in all letters, capital and lowercase, except y.

Office Objectives – Proposes mandatory, perpetual, singing by all.

Shannon Phelps
Candidate For – Director, Federal Trade Commission

Age – 6

Home Address – top of the stairs, left turn, pink room with pink accents

Education – Mrs. Reichstadt’s morning kindergarten, Grey Cloud Elementary

Affiliations – Ice skating lessons; Summer soccer, Yellow Jackets team; Faith Formation; Heavily invested in Mattel corporation, Barbie division.

Financial Profile – Potential to amass fortune from regular visits from the tooth fairy. Daily emptying of the dishwasher in exchange for quarters. Counts to greater than 100 consistently only during long car rides.

Economic Plan – A Barbie doll in every hand, and a GAP label on every pair of jeans.

Post comment