Master Copy – Roommate Agreement for the Phelps Household – December 2012

The following rules and regulations for the signing family members (hereafter referred to as the “Roommates”) shall constitute a binding agreement with the goal of promoting peaceful coexistence (hereto including: Silent Nights, Joy to the World, and Peace and Goodwill to All Men – ‘men’ including sub definition of women, pets, gingerbread people, and weekend guests.)

Section 1 – Parking
A. The best garage stall will be reserved for the eldest female roommate. It shall be kept tidy and free from anything that looks like, sounds like, or acts like a tool. It shall maintain clearance for all doors to open and shall be provided with sand, salt, an AAA card, and a willing participant to fill the gas tank if the temperature drops below freezing.
B. Removal of vehicle mirrors while entering or exiting any garage stall, by any driver, in any vehicle, will be subject to lengthy grumbling from the male roommate, unless the female roommate can get said vehicle to Cannon Auto and back before transgression is discovered.

a. Removal of garage trim is far less likely to go unnoticed.
b. Second infraction of Section 1, paragraph B will result in revocation of garage privileges.

Section 2 – Wildlife Interaction
A. “Cute” wildlife will be tolerated in the outdoors as long as it remains more than 100 ft. from any and all dwellings. With the exception of rabbits, no animal falling into the rodent, arachnid, or insect family may be considered cute.

a. Rabbits in the flowerbed however, are considered Horticultural Terrorists and will receive no diplomatic immunity from any roommates.
b. No roommate shall be exempt from deceased wildlife removal duties. Regardless if carcass is enclosed in a mousetrap in the garage, or appears on the doorstep as a gift from the canine roommate or his friends, if you do not find yourself capable of preforming said removal duty, you must subcontract the removal out immediately, without delay.
i. Approved subcontractors include: the Langdon boys, the Turner boys, brother-in-laws, uncles, boyfriends, or any motorist that can be flagged down at the side of the road in desperation.
ii. In the event none of the above are available, safe evacuation of roommates to a motel is encouraged and expected

Section 3 – Fiduciary Obligations
A. Emergency credit card shall remain in the possession of roommates for unexpected financial obligations of an emergency nature such as car failure, starvation, or weather emergency.
a. Under no circumstance is Victoria Secret considered a provider of emergency services.
b. Chocolate and ‘really cute sweaters’ in their various forms are understood to be life sustaining in many circumstances and should be obtained as necessary for the safety and well being of self and others.
c. Loss of emergency credit card shall be reported promptly to the financial officer, and through cleaning of bags, backpacks, cars, clothing, and rooms will be initiated before replacement privilege is allowed. Again, grumbling from male roommate will have to be tolerated.

Section 4 – Social Media and Driving
A. No forms of social media are to be used by any operator of any motor vehicle.
a. The roommate who calls ‘shotgun’ or ‘Rosa Parks’ will be the responsible operator of the drivers cell phone, GPS, or IPad. They will be responsible for messages, return calls, and planning routes or navigation.
b. The ‘shotgun’ rider will also be responsible for getting the snail mail out of the mailbox by leaning out the passenger window at a precarious angle in sun, wind, or rain.
i. Penalty for dropping the mail on the swing by the mailbox will result in said roommate chasing through the ditch, where wildlife carcasses have been known to lurk, with no protection from the canine roommate, who harbors great fear of the ditch.
c. The roommate operating the vehicle shall be immune from any and all car games that involve punching – Slug Bug, Punch Buggy, Bug Smash – regardless of the state or country you are in, or the name of the game in that region.

Section 5 – Volume Control
A. Noise levels of zero are to be maintained when the eldest female roommate is sleeping.
a. This includes the canine roommate, and someone had better let him out before he disturbs that roommate’s beauty sleep – out and then back in – and out and back in –
b. The respect of quietness is not extended to the male roommate as he can sleep through anything.
c. IPods playing the bathroom at a level to be heard above the noise of the shower and/or hairdryers are banned at all hours of the day and night.
i. Showers longer than 30 minutes are also prohibited.
ii. Long showers will be tolerated in the event of ‘literal freezing’; such as hell freezing over, the takeover of the world by Abominable Snowmen, or icicles forming on your fingernails.
B. Holiday music may be played at rock concert levels, without penalty, October through February.

Section 6 – TV Viewing
A. Unless one or more roommates are suddenly and inexplicably abducted by aliens or transported through time by Captain Kirk, Thursday, 7pm Central Standard Time, will forever be reserved for viewing of “The Big Bang Theory.”
B. There are no loop holes in this clause that can preclude viewing including phone calls, texts, Facebook posts about cute or naughty things people’s pets do, or wasteful face to face conversation.

Section 6 – Christmas Letter
A. The Phelps annual holiday letter tradition will continue, with or without photo card.
a. People who complain about the letter will be removed from the list.
b. The potential to email the letter in the future will remain open.
i. If you would like to continue to receive the famed Phelps Christmas Letter, you should ensure that the male roommate has your current email address.
ii. Telling a roommate your email address while they are pumping gas, or standing in line at the grocery store, does not constitute a valid conversation, and said roommate shall not be responsible for remembering the correct digits and numbers of your email from that conversation; hence, you may not make the cut.

This signed roommate agreement applies to ‘Roommates’ in the current Universe, as well as equivalent roommates from parallel Universes. This includes part time roommates who believe they have acquired omniscience due to their attendance at college. After achieving the age of majority, those roommates will indeed realize, that yes, their parents were far more intelligent (may we suggest genius status?) than they gave them credit for. They will thank the elder roommates for their foresight in creating this annual peek into our Year In The Life, and they will get over any embarrassment caused over the years by various tales told in the letter. All roommates, after signing, will go forth and make merry, jingle bells, and assist as necessary so that you and yours, and ours and mine, will have a Very Merry Christmas!

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