LESTER HOLT: Good evening from this small town in chilly Minnesota. I’m Lester Holt, anchor of “NBC Nightly News.” I want to welcome you to the first Phelps Remodeling Debate of 2016.
The participants tonight are opinionated home remodelers Chr’s Phelps and Julie Phelps. This debate is handled by Interstate Building Supply and Design, a nonpartisan organization who has had more experience at helping moderate decisions on the Phelps projects than they care to admit. They are assisted by the Goodhue County Land Use Management who drafted tonight’s building codes, and the rules have been agreed to by the participants (as much as they can agree; see Xmas letters 2005 and 2015).
The formal topics that need addressing in various debate segments include not only the remodel, but the summer vacation and which Bon Jovi concert to attend. At the start of each segment, I will allow two minutes for each participant to respond to the topics. After that, we will have open discussion.
The audience (their children Han, Liz, and Shan, son-in-law Riley, boyfriends-of-length Ryan and AJ, and building and hardware employees) have agreed to remain silent and offer no opinions unless asked in order that we may focus on the participants. I invite you to applaud, this one time and only one time, as we welcome the remodelers to the scaffolding; Presenting Chr’s and Julie…

JULIE: (smirking) How are you, Chr’s? Good to see you outside the airport. I know you’ve been traveling.
CHR’S: (facial sneer) Julie. Good to see that you get home earlier at that new job. You’re less cranky.

LESTER HOLT: Well, I don’t expect us to cover all the issues of the remodel tonight, we do have more debates scheduled, namely “The Floor,” and, “The Kitchen.” I am honored to have this role as remodeling mediator, but the evening belongs to the participants, and just as importantly, to a future real estate agent and his or her clients.
Remodelers, we look forward to hearing you articulate your vision and values in this opening segment, “The Bathroom.” Beginning with you, Julie, why are you a better choice than your opponent to create the kind of bathroom that will satisfy more American people?

JULIE: Well, thank you, Lester, and thanks to Interstate for hosting us once again. I believe the last big debate here was on “The Family Room” in 2007. The central question in this bathroom debate is what kind of tile we want to have and what kind of shower we’ll build together. I think about this a lot. First, we have to build up the floor so that the surface works for everyone, not just those who walk on it barefoot.
I want us to invest in the bathroom. I want us to invest in the adjoining master closet. We also have to make the closet space fairer. That starts with raising the space allotted for Julie, and also guarantee, finally, separate but equal space for Chr’s.
And I want us to do more to support the people who might struggle to balance family and work. So, let’s have a soaking tub and a shower with really good water pressure.
How are we going to do it? We’re going to do it by having a good plumber and a good tile guy.
Finally, we tonight are on the debate together, Chr’s and I. We’re going to have a debate where we are talking about the important issues facing our bathroom. You have to judge us, who can put into action the plans that will make the bathroom better.

LESTER HOLT: Julie, thank you. Chr’s, the same question to you. It’s appears to be about putting money, more money into the bathroom. You have up to two minutes.

CHR’S: A friend of mine who builds bathrooms said they are the eighth wonder of the world in China. In our bathroom, not so much. I think Julie and I agree on that. We probably disagree a little bit as to numbers and amounts and what we are going to do, but perhaps we’ll talk more about that later. I don’t want to be Braggadocios, but I have built really great bathrooms, really, really, great bathrooms before, and I can do it again. I have emailed my bathroom plans to Julie, but somehow, those emails were destroyed in her crooked campaign for the bathroom.

LESTER HOLT: Julie, would you like to respond?

JULIE: We need to have smart, fair bathroom deals. And the kind of plan that Chr’s has put forth would be trickle-down bathroom planning all over again. I call it trumped-up trickle-down, because that’s exactly what it would be. This is not how we grow a bathroom.

CHR’S: Our bathroom is in deep trouble. We don’t know what we are doing. And that’s a big, big fact. I intend to bring in the best and brightest, surround myself with the people that really know bathrooms. We have to remember, this is not a public bathroom, and people need to take responsibility for their own bathrooms. We need to make our bathroom great again without international interference.

JULIE: Well, let’s stop for a second and remember where we were eight years ago. We had the worst bathroom. Now we have come back from that abyss. And it has not been easy. So we’re now on the precipice of having a potentially much better bathroom. Independent experts have looked at what I’ve proposed and looked at what Chr’s proposed. And they’ve said, OK, if we can do this, and I intend to get it done because we will be making investments where we can grow the bathroom, we can have a better bathroom than any bathroom before us.

LESTER HOLT: One of you will not win this debate. So my final question tonight, are you willing to accept the vote of the arbitrator as to the final decisions in the bathroom?

JULIE: Well, I support a functional bathroom. And sometimes you win, and sometimes you compromise. But I certainly will support the outcome of this arbitration. I hope the voters get out there and flush like your sewer depends on it, because I think it does.

CHR’S: I’d like to promise and pledge to my supporters that I’ll completely accept the new bathroom, of course, I also reserve my right to contest or file a legal challenge in the case of a questionable result. I will supply the birth certificate for the bathroom publically, also, with my tax returns.

Independent Fact Checking Services LTD – Final report: 1. The building codes have been adhered to. 2. Both parties have been spotted independently and together at clandestine meetings at Interstate. 3. Bathrooms do not need birth certificates, even if they are built in Hawaii.

The vote has been completed. There will be no recount. The sheetrock is up, taped, the tile is ordered, and the shower will run. The remodel continues with future debates forthcoming. The inauguration is expected to be delayed beyond January but formal attire is expected to reside in the closets by spring.

Maintain Peace, Joy, swift drains, powerful flushing…and your right to vote – Chr’s and Julie