The year the Phelps Phamily Christmas Letter was so late, that it didn’t even get started until 2022 (And just to go with the theme, I am writing this to the accompaniment of the smoke detectors bright and early on January 1, and I am not even the cause of it if you can believe it!) If the postal service goes into collapse, we will be to blame, not having sent out our tradition of Christmas Cards by the gazillion. 

           I did not start cursing until adulthood, and it began rather slowly.  Some of the greatest family stories are the first time someone heard me utter a colorful word.  But this year, I have gone full potty mouth.  Think swear like a drunken pirate.  Think Lil Wayne or Jonah Hill.  Did you know that Leo’s swear more than any other Zodiac sign?  I am freaking confident that I can rival any Leo! 

           My cursing is wholly supported by a study that came out that swearing is good for your health and lowers your blood pressure. Discovery Channel came out with a documentary in 2021 on the History of Swearing. Very appropriate. Very enlightening.            

           It’s not that I started out trying to burn the ears off my mild eared ancestors, but you know… Covid… or shall I say $%^  *&(  @(^$)! COVID really got to me this year, and I never even got Covid.  Knock on Wood, with a baseball bat, Vax’d, Boosted, Masked, and Distanced, Thank You Very Much for Asking. 

           The year didn’t suck completely.  We actually made a hole in the house, and completed the entire project filling the hole with a fireplace surround.  There are happy swear words for these occasions, said in uplifted tones to differentiate the meaning.  Much like PEAR and PAIR sound the same, but have different meanings.  A grand daughter was added to the mix, little Ruthie was a colicy baby and still her favorite thing to do is yell.  I think she takes after her maternal grandmother and I am beyond proud.  We are on our second live-in room-mate in 2021 and they both have tolerated us well with our aging-bodies-early-bedtimes, and our hot beverage obsessions. I discovered Hoka tennis shoes this year, too, and my feet thank me. 

           The crappola in the year was canceled vacations, eyeball scratches, and the insane guidelines that nurses memorize and try to explain, with the knowledge that whatever you say, no matter how calmly you say it, it is screwing with someone’s life and plans, regardless of the safety of it. Usually a “F#*$” flies out of my mouth right before or after I make the calls. If I didn’t, the top of my head would explode in a blood pressure high enough to register on the Richter Scale. I used to only do this on rare occasions, former co-workers and bosses can attest to this, but lately… I am not an Emoji user. At all.  If I did though, they would all be censored.  

           I don’t recommend my method of stress relief to everyone, and not in the presence of anyone under 12, and if you can’t spew it, you can think it. I do not recommend my method while operating heavy machinery, or in a riot, or traffic jam.  The goal is tension release, not time behind bars. In a large city not that nearby me, too many people got out of control and burned too many things instead of just writing a couple mild curses in chalk on a sidewalk, and my house insurance went up because of them.  I do not believe my current penchant for swearing does anything except maybe scorch a plant leaf or two when I let loose after kneeling on a rock while weeding. 

           May 2022 bring you peace and calm, but if you don’t get that, try my method.  Your tongue won’t fall out of your mouth like your mother might have burned into your brain.  Use discretion, and if needed, you come right over to my house and I’ll teach you to yell at a wall, hurting no one. 

            Have a _____________ New Year!